Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy's Pub.
After awhile, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't
help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland '

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

The first guy says, 'So am I!  And where about
from Ireland might you be?'

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Dublin , I am.'

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you
live on in Dublin ?'

The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was. I lived
on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did
I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?'

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's,
of course.'

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I.
Tell me, what year did you graduate?'

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I
graduated in 1964.'

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be
smiling down upon us!  I can hardly believe our
good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's
in 1964 my own self!'

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits
down and orders a beer.

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking
his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night
tonight.'

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian?'

'The Murphy twins are drunk again.'

Two boys in the hospital
   

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room---the first surgeries of the day.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and Ice Cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

Whoa!' the second kid replies. 'Good luck buddy. I had that done when I was born.   Couldn't walk for a year.

Couple Trying to get Married in Heaven

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple  is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple find  themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting  for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder:

Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked.   Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple is still waiting. As they waited,  they discussed that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven,  what was the eternal aspect of it all.  'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered, Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

'Yes, you can get married in Heaven.' he informs the couple,  

'Great, but we were just wondering,  what if things don't work out?' said the couple. 'Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!',  'It took me three months to find a priest up here!  St. Peter shouts.  'Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a Lawyer?'

Here is a good one.....

Wise Old Man

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a  $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."  "I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

All Seniors Aren't Senile

Polish Immigrant Getting his Drivers License

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. 
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters   
  
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.

 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

 So he tied her up and went golfing. 
            &nb sp;                 &nb sp;               

Drafted by the Army

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.

That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.

That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.

The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Hiring Telephone Pole Installers

A Kentucky Phone Company was going to hire a team of telephone pole
installers,  and the boss had to choose between a team of two rednecks
and a team of two Irish guys.

So the boss met with both teams and said:   'Here's what we'll do.
Each team will install poles out on the new road for a day.   The
team that  installs the most phone poles gets the job'. 

Both teams headed right out.

At end of the shift,  Pat and Mike, the Irish  guys, came back and  the boss
asked them how many they had installed.

They said  that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.

Forty-five  minutes later, Bubba and Duke, the redneck guys came back
and  they were totally exhausted.

The boss asked, 'Well, how many poles did you guys install?'  
Bubba, the  team leader wiped his brow and sighed, 'Duke and me, we got three in.'

The boss gasped, 'Three? Those two Irish guys put in
twelve!'

'Yeah,' said Bubba, 'but you should see how much they left stickin' out of the ground!"

Three Pints

New Orleans Crabs

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blond, female crew member to take care of the box for him.   She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,  "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:
1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

The Robotic Bartender

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ"?

The man replied, "130".

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, investments, insurance, and so on.  The man listened intently and thought,
"This is really cool".

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "100."

So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on.  The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool".

A third guy came in to the bar.  As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" 

The man replied, "70".

The robot then said, "So, what is Congress up to?"

An American Traveling to France

The old American  Gent arrived in Paris by plane and at French customs  he fumbled for his passport.

"You have  been to France before Monsieur?", the
customs officer asked sarcastically.

The Old Gent admitted that he had been to France before.

"Then you  should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection", snapped the irate  official.

The  American said that the last time he came to France he did not  have to show his passport.

"Impossible, old man. You Americans always have to show your  passports on arrival in France."

The old American gave the Frenchman a long hard look. "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Omaha Beach in Normandy on D-day in 1944, there was no Goddamned Frenchmen anywhere on that beach.

Why Parents  Drink


The boss wondered why  one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day. Having  an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's  home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.  'Hello ?  ' 

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'  Yes  ,' whispered the small voice 

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, '  No  .'

Surprised and  wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?' 

'Yes.'

'May I  talk with her?'

Again the small voice  whispered, 'No  .'

Hoping  there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is  anybody else there?'

' Yes ,' whispered the child, '  a policeman  '.

Wondering what a cop  would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with  the policeman?'

' No, he's busy ', whispered the  child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman  ,' came the whispered answer. 

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background  through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?' 

' A helicopter  ' answered the whispering  voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly  apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, '  The search team just  landed a helicopter .'

Alarmed, concerned  and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' 

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... 

' ME  .'

Skinny Dipping... 

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several  Years.  He had a large pond in the back.  It was properly shaped for swimming, so He fixed itup nice with picnic  tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, andpeach trees. 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down tothe pond, as he Hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. Hegrabbed a Five- gallon bucket to  bring back some fruit.
 
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shoutingand laughing with Glee. As  he came closer, he saw it was a bunch ofyoung women  Skinny-dipping in his  pond. 

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.  One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
 
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'   Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'  

Some old men can still think fast.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids' to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars.

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a homo.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods 

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I needto stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next timeI play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

StevieWonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of thefairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and playthe ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, thecaddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again Iplay the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'Iget my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with hishead on the ground and I just play the ball  towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I onlyplay for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That aproblem?'

Woodsthinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that.$10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'